Who I really am...

Pastor Steve's message today realely convicted me, and I have to say I have been feeling that way for awhile...just knowing that I have not been doing my part, haven't been reading my Bible, haven't been praying, have just been the biggest BUM! Well I finally remedied my not reading my Bible and have been going good for about a week straight now...I need to really take a class though in getting the deeper meaning out of reading, I just don't feel as connected as I would like to...anyway back to the intention of this post....Pastor Steve's message just really got me thinking...who am i really? Am I the person that you see at church or is that just a facade? I don't like to think so, I would like to think that I really am as nice and cheerful as I seem (no I really am not trying to pump myself up but bare with me plase lol) The thing is is that I know that I work harder when I am at church to come across like the happy go lucky person that I think people see me as...and that is the person I want to be, the person I aim to be but is that the real me? I know that when I am with my mom or some of my other family I can come across as the biggest butt head that you wouldn't even think I was the same person and you would think my evil twin just entered the room and took over my body or something! And I don't know why I do that and each time I lash out I am immediately convicted and the Lord says to me why...why do you treat your mother this way and I feel awful! but that stupid pride of mine just doesn't want to give in and say mom i'm sorry for being a butthead...I don't want to be that person...and I have really been trying to improve upon that aspect of my personality because I don't like it in myself. So who am I really? When God looks to my heart is he pleased with what he sees? Does He see promise there or is he disgusted with me as he was with the Isrealites who refused to step out in faith and just believe? I want to be the christian that He has planned for me and I want to receive the blessings the Lord has planned for me but how can I do that if I don't spend time with him and if I don't set my heart right with God? I don't want to be imprisoned anymore by selfishness and pridefullness, I just pray that the Lord sees me through and gives me the strength and spirit to be the person he has planned.
(The above is just an exampe of the prison I have allowed myself to be in. Haha...actually this was taken before the end of school last year but I thought it was a fitting photo)